D17 P12: It's Family, Stupid

As we have journeyed through the "D17" (the 17 truths about discipleship), you have perhaps noticed I refer frequently to author and speaker Caesar Kalinowski (see http://caesarkalinowski.com/). I have read a few of his books and heard him speak a number of times, and I appreciate his fresh way of clarifying ideas that are sometimes elusive. It was at a small conference in KC with about 30 other pastors where he was teaching that I got the idea for this D17 list. Many of the items on this list came from that talk.

There was one thing he said in that conference that stopped me dead in my tracks, which is our 12th entry in the D17 list:

We would never raise kids the way that most churches try to raise disciples.

Wow.

His point is best illustrated by trying to envision what this would look like:

Yeah, we're intentional about raising our kids. Of course, we are. We get together about once a week for a couple of hours (sometimes less). That's the only time I see most of them. For the first part, we separate off into different rooms based on age or what topic we're interested in. We've got these convenient booklets that tell us what we're supposed to learn, and if we fill in all the blanks right, then we're going GREAT. But then we all come together. And I, being the dad, set up my chair at the front of the room, and the rest of the family forms a few semicircle rows to face me and listen quietly while I talk.

Sometimes, a few of our family members get together at a time other than Sunday morning ... if there's no soccer game. It's a hassle, because my wife has to get the house all clean first - wouldn't want the kids to know how we normally live. There's nothing they can learn from us based on how we really live - we want them to learn how to do the Christian life from those snippets of our presentable lives we allow them to see. The last thing we want them to see is how normal family members live normal life ... what could they possibly learn from that?

We don't ever expect our kids to walk in a manner consistent with our family name. We really want them to. We complain if they don't. But we don't really expect them to. Otherwise, we would be having difficult-but-real conversations about bearing the family name together. More importantly, we would be lovingly showing them how the Gospel applies to everyday life and that our real issue is not behavior but faith.

Yeah, we're super-intentional about how we raise our kids.

We would never expect our kids to grow up as healthy people with this kind of family rhythm. Why should we expect disciples to grow into greater health and maturity this way?

The premise for Kalinowski's point is from 1 Tim 3:4-5, where Paul tells Timothy that one of the desired traits of a church elder is that he be a good dad discipling his own kids, because discipling the church family should look a lot like discipling your own family members. Because ... church is a family.

We are aghast watching the increasing institutionalization of raising children in our society. We should be equally concerned wherever we see it happening in our churches for disciplemaking.

Here's perhaps a simpler way to think about it: Treat one another like family, including discipling one another. However we ought to disciple our sons, daughters, siblings, spouse, and even parents is how we ought to disciple our church family.

Just two chapters later, Paul tells Timothy (1 Tim 5.1-2):

Do not rebuke an older man, but appeal to him as a father, younger men as brothers, 

older women as mothers, younger women as sisters, with all purity.

Like family. Not like a Model T on the assembly line.

I retreated like a man

Last Thursday night and Friday, I was finally able to peel away for a personal retreat - 24 hours alone with the Lord and His Word at a retreat center nearby. These retreats are for turning off the world and focusing on prayer, reading, and even just resting. During these retreats, I also love to take long walks or go for bike rides, although I was a bit discouraged from that by the single-digit temperatures! I used to be in the habit of taking about one a month (plus a three-day retreat once a year), but fell out of the habit when I went back to school. I have yet to get back in the habit.

These retreats are almost always beneficial (I've had a few clunkers!) - there is a depth of relationship with the Lord that's just harder for me to experience in the midst of the hustle and bustle of life. I believe that's the model Jesus set for us when He would get away from the fray to be alone with His Father.

This retreat was by no means a clunker. I certainly could have been more focused during my time, but there were some rich times in the Word and in prayer. Some issues in life took on some good clarity, and there was just a sense of exhaling, instead of what feels like holding my breath for the last several weeks. I spent Thursday night just reading through Ezra, summarizing it, looking at the structure (which always helps me understand a book or a passage), and focusing in on his great prayer in chapter 9. You heard a little about my benefit from Ezra during the worship service on Sunday.

On Friday, it was also my goal to go through the stewardship worksheets that we've been handing out each week during our sermon series. I thought that maybe I could get some benefit from it, even though I'm the one who put the worksheets together. I was amazed at how much benefit I actually did get! I came to a lot of life decisions as a result - shifting priorities, clarifying my focus, adjusting our financial management, all kinds of good things.

One of the most important benefits is something I was already planning on talking about this Sunday, but the concept took on a far more personal, impacting, and even convicting nature during the retreat. The role of pastor's wife is difficult because it's hard to be of help when the husband simply cannot share much of his week because of professional confidentiality. Lynne and I have persistently looked for better ways for her gifts to make me more fruitful despite this limitation. The retreat yielded fruit here - one clear way that we can improve is to complete these worksheets individually, but then also  walk through our individual worksheets together and discuss them. Even more beneficial, however, will be to generate another set of worksheets for us as one flesh. Not just two full sets of worksheets, but one additional set that is for us together as a family, pulling ideas from the other two.

This is great for any couple, but I see particular benefit for a pastor and his wife. It will be a way for both of us to help the other, a way for us to draw closer together, a way to pull our "one flesh" lives into clearer focus, and to set our sights on stewarding the various arenas our lives for Christ more effectively than ever before.

I highly encourage you to do three things:

1. Complete the stewardship worksheets (or some other similar exercise to assess your life's priorities). We have copies available of all the worksheets we've introduced so far.
2. Per the message coming up on Sunday, go through the worksheets together as a couple, as a family, or with a trusted friend. Also consider coming up with a set for the family as a whole.
3. Make time at least once a year to spend alone with the Lord - away from all the noise, with nothing but a Bible and a way to journal, for no less than 24 hours. I usually have to get through at least two hours of "boredom" before I'm really ready to focus - that's just my body and mind going through "noise detox," but then finally I'm ready to meet with the Lord. Some of my richest times with the Lord have come during personal retreats (most of which started off "boring"!).

If you have any more questions about any of these three things, I'm here to help - just ask.