When you can't see eye to eye ...

The only thing wrong with people having a different opinion is that they don't have my opinion. Why can't we have the kind of variety that agrees entirely with me? Or why can't people come around to my way after I explain to them how logical my way is? (I don't argue with people ... I just give the more reasons to agree with me!)

When we are at loggerheads with one another, and it's clear that no one is going to budge, how do we find ways to communicate and cooperate? If the difference is over something minor (who's your favorite Royals player?), it's not usually that hard to enjoy one another's company. But when the difference is major (which way the TP roll goes, Marvel v. D.C., etc.), and the other one is just never going to come around, how do we keep from souring our relationships?

There are plenty of ways, books, and ideas, of course. Most of them are effective. The only problem is remembering to employ them in the heat of the battle. I offer the following ideas as one possible approach:

Identify the values that apply. Without judging, without comparing, without critiquing, list as many values that are in play with the issue at hand. For example,

• living within one's means
• truthfulness
• compassion
• building memories that last

Have each person contribute to the list, adding whatever seems relevant. By this, you will see what values the other is coming from, and often, that their values are valid and important. That helps you understand their view, their logic, and their conclusions. Perhaps there are ways to accommodate many of each other's values. This also helps you filter out what you're saying from stubbornness and what you're saying from your values.

Find as much common ground as you can. You'll have plenty of time to talk about where you differ. Start by talking about where you agree. It's amazing how effective this can be, whether the common area is big or small. I have found especially when talking to religious skeptics or politically enraged chatterboxes that identifying our common ground calms the discussion and opens up a more civil way to disagree. Be careful, you might end up appreciating the other person's perspective a little bit!

Don't dig in your heels until you're able to effectively state the other person's view. Way too often people dig in their heels to argue their opinion or their way before they even understand the other's point of view. That leads to either misrepresenting the other's view in order to maintain that dug in position, or realizing way too late that you're arguing the wrong fight. And then we usually just dig in further, because we're not humble enough to apologize. But if you wait until you can effectively restate the other's position so that they can say, "Yes, you understand what I'm saying, even if you don't agree," they will know that you're listening and that you respect them. You might even discover that you don't disagree as much as you thought.

One of the beautiful side effects of high school or college debate is that it trains you to argue both sides of an issue, regardless of what you actually believe. And to argue each side vigorously. That tempers dogmatism and requires you to consider respectable sources that don't echo your own view. In debate, you also need to identify the values that apply so that the conversation doesn't wander off into irrelevance. And there are even times when the best strategy is to find common ground on a specific issue (but usually for the purpose of finding a better area to clash, so don't take this analogy too far!).

Three simple things that we already know. We just don't remember them when the "other person" is being obstinate. But the more we practice these even with minor issues, the more habitual they become, and the better we will navigate potentially divisive conflict.

I don't always practice these, but when I do, the conversation is almost always dramatically better.

The Facebook Gospel

We have the "Good News" (which is what the word "Gospel" literally means). We believe that it is Good News not only for some, but for all. We believe that it is the only Good News. We believe that the only way to a relationship with God is through the death, burial, and resurrection of Jesus Christ, who took upon Himself all the justice that our sin requires, and that all who believe in Him for this will have their sin forgiven, will be given new life starting now, and that this new life will endure into eternity in the presence of God.

We believe that this Good News is so Good that others should know about it. We believe that Jesus instructs His followers to share this Good News around the world. But we seem to be having a tougher and tougher time connecting with those who don't believe the Good News is really Good News. We aren't always sure how to find a way to have an authentic, engaging conversation on things that matter. We don't get them, and they don't get us ... and then we start saying words like "them" and "us."

Now add in the noise of social media (Facebook, Google+, Twitter, Pinterest, SnapChat, etc.). Now our relationships are spread a mile wide and an inch deep. We have hundreds of friends, but we have no friends. We talk more and say less. When we get too snarky, we get unfriended - clean, cold, and final.

Maybe our solution is found within the problem.

Think about what people say via social media. They are normally commenting on things that matter to them! Things they care about. It doesn't matter if we agree with what they say! What they are telling us, in essence, is what "Good News" would look like to them. This is perhaps the most important truth about all of social media - people are telling us every day what the "Good News" would be to them.

If someone is posting (or tweeting) about something that makes them happy, then it's pretty clear what they consider to be "Good News." If they are whining about something, then it's usually not too hard to reverse engineer to find what they would consider to be "Good News." If they are just telling the world that they just brushed their teeth, then it may be hard to discern, but somewhere in this, there's a reason why they posted that - they want something, and they expect that something to bring them a little happiness. Good News.

Please don't misunderstand - the true Good News is not whatever we think might bring us happiness. It is not defined by what we consider or don't consider it to be. God defines the Good News, and it is the Good News whether we regard it or not. We can't redefine it. But daily through social media, people are giving us clue after clue after clue of what they would consider to be Good News.

And that gives us a connection point into the core of who that person is.

We can use social media to help solve the problem, rather than blame it as being part of the problem. When one of your thousand closest friends posts something, consider doing the following:

• Pray. People are telling us what they think the Good News would be for them. Pray for the person to find what they are seeking in the authentic Good News. Pray to discern well the core, God-given need that they are trying to satisfy through other means. Pray for their souls to be restless until they find their rest in God (to borrow from Augustine).
• Listen. You've been given a way to find out about someone. Ask questions. Explore. And listen - really listen. Don't judge, don't argue, don't disapprove. Just love. There will be a time for truth, but now is the time for grace. The only way to be a genuine listener is to genuinely listen (a brilliant tautology, if I say so myself).
• Identify. If you could somehow peel away the layers of what this person is talking about, more than likely you'll even find that you and he want the same thing. Peace, joy, security, love, relationship, a sense of belonging, being attached to something bigger than yourself, something. You probably have a lot in common when you get past the externals, and it's stuff that matters.
• Speak. When they know you really hear them and really care about them unconditionally, then they may be willing to listen to you, especially about this core issue. You already know they care about the core issue - it's something you agree on, and the other person obviously finds the issue to be meaningful. He told us it was of some importance when he posted about it amid the noise of social media.
• Love. First, middle, last, and more than anything else.