When you can't see eye to eye ...

The only thing wrong with people having a different opinion is that they don't have my opinion. Why can't we have the kind of variety that agrees entirely with me? Or why can't people come around to my way after I explain to them how logical my way is? (I don't argue with people ... I just give the more reasons to agree with me!)

When we are at loggerheads with one another, and it's clear that no one is going to budge, how do we find ways to communicate and cooperate? If the difference is over something minor (who's your favorite Royals player?), it's not usually that hard to enjoy one another's company. But when the difference is major (which way the TP roll goes, Marvel v. D.C., etc.), and the other one is just never going to come around, how do we keep from souring our relationships?

There are plenty of ways, books, and ideas, of course. Most of them are effective. The only problem is remembering to employ them in the heat of the battle. I offer the following ideas as one possible approach:

Identify the values that apply. Without judging, without comparing, without critiquing, list as many values that are in play with the issue at hand. For example,

• living within one's means
• truthfulness
• compassion
• building memories that last

Have each person contribute to the list, adding whatever seems relevant. By this, you will see what values the other is coming from, and often, that their values are valid and important. That helps you understand their view, their logic, and their conclusions. Perhaps there are ways to accommodate many of each other's values. This also helps you filter out what you're saying from stubbornness and what you're saying from your values.

Find as much common ground as you can. You'll have plenty of time to talk about where you differ. Start by talking about where you agree. It's amazing how effective this can be, whether the common area is big or small. I have found especially when talking to religious skeptics or politically enraged chatterboxes that identifying our common ground calms the discussion and opens up a more civil way to disagree. Be careful, you might end up appreciating the other person's perspective a little bit!

Don't dig in your heels until you're able to effectively state the other person's view. Way too often people dig in their heels to argue their opinion or their way before they even understand the other's point of view. That leads to either misrepresenting the other's view in order to maintain that dug in position, or realizing way too late that you're arguing the wrong fight. And then we usually just dig in further, because we're not humble enough to apologize. But if you wait until you can effectively restate the other's position so that they can say, "Yes, you understand what I'm saying, even if you don't agree," they will know that you're listening and that you respect them. You might even discover that you don't disagree as much as you thought.

One of the beautiful side effects of high school or college debate is that it trains you to argue both sides of an issue, regardless of what you actually believe. And to argue each side vigorously. That tempers dogmatism and requires you to consider respectable sources that don't echo your own view. In debate, you also need to identify the values that apply so that the conversation doesn't wander off into irrelevance. And there are even times when the best strategy is to find common ground on a specific issue (but usually for the purpose of finding a better area to clash, so don't take this analogy too far!).

Three simple things that we already know. We just don't remember them when the "other person" is being obstinate. But the more we practice these even with minor issues, the more habitual they become, and the better we will navigate potentially divisive conflict.

I don't always practice these, but when I do, the conversation is almost always dramatically better.

New Year's Surrendolutions

Stories of triumph by means of human determination fascinate us. We never seem to tire of hearing stories of men and women persevering through jungles of challenges and the slimmest of odds, willing themselves to great accomplishments. The stories inspire us, encourage us, and restore hope in the power of human effort.

Theologically, however, we also recognize that even the greatest of human accomplishments are like filthy rags when compared to the perfection in God's character (Isa 64:6). This does not rob these accomplishments of their greatness, but it serves to show how awesome God is - so much greater than the best of our best that even these feats are like tattered rags. Therefore, we are left unable, even with our greatest human accomplishments, to elevate ourselves to God's level and thereby merit salvation.

How, then, should we view the traditional New Years' Resolutions? Should we take up the challenge of human endeavor to will ourselves into better habits, self-improvement, and narrower jeans? Or should we hold to the vanity and impotence of human effort alone, and declare that these resolutions are self-deluding?

I suggest a different approach.

The arrival of the new year is a fantastic time to take stock, evaluate your year, your priorities, your stewardship of time, talent, and treasure, and to look forward to making the next year better than the previous. We often have extra time off of work and other responsibilities, so we have a ripe environment for self-evaluation. If you are going to set personal goals, this is perhaps the best time of year to do so.

Resolutions can be encouraging or defeating. Rather than "goals," we call the "resolutions," which means I resolve myself to do something, such as losing 20 pounds or reading the Bible through. If I meet these resolutions, I feel pretty good about myself.

However, if I make it as far as March, but then drop my diet and my exercise, I am not merely failing to meet a goal - I am failing at something I resolved to do. By making a resolution, I put my character behind this. I put the integrity of my name on it. And now, my failure is a failure in my character, not just my waistline. This is why not meeting a resolution is more deflating than merely missing a goal.

Rather than resolving ourselves to try harder, I suggest listing ways you believe the Lord wants you to surrender to Him in 2014. This involves spending some time in prayer, at the ready with Bible, pen, and paper, asking the Lord what areas of your life need to be surrendered to Him. As He illumines you, write down those things. Be specific. Don't make the list impossibly long, but don't make it unchallenging, either.

Then, in prayer, begin your first surrender by surrendering the list back to Him. Surrender yourself to the process of surrendering these things in 2014. Then keep that list where you will review it at least once a week for 52 weeks.

Rather than resolving to lose 20 pounds, surrender to the Lord to be a steward of the body He gave you. Spend the year focusing on that surrender, which will naturally result in better diet and more exercise. Rather than resolving to read the Bible through, spend the year learning how to surrender yourself to the study of and obedience to His Word. Rather than resolve to learning the Mongolian language or taking a night class or reading 50 books, spend the year surrendering your mind to the Lord, for its renewal (Rom 12:1-2). Rather than setting a goal, begin a process of surrendering more of your life to God.

It's still very much like a resolution, and it still takes effort and perseverance, but rather than the mere grit of human determination alone, it becomes a very spiritual exercise of relinquishing yourself to Christ for His purposes. Then by the end of the year, if there is any success at all, you'll have a compelling, encouraging story to share with others. And all the motivation in the world to surrender even more in 2015.

I'm a low-res kinda guy

I'm a low-res kinda guy. Low on resolutions - New Year's resolutions - that is. I'm just not into making them. If people make them and keep them, great! I just don't do so well in making commitments just because it's a new year.

I think of King Solomon - the son of David who succeeded him on the throne, the one who asked God for, and received, fantastic wisdom. As we learn in Ecclesiastes, Solomon was accomplished in just about every area of life (in the world's eyes). He was king over a nation during a golden period. He was fabulously wealthy. He had a stellar education. He tried every experience a man could try. He had hundreds of women at his disposal. He had monumental wisdom (which he clearly had failed to use often later in life). He had it all.

In other words, Solomon had every human advantage to make and keep resolutions. He had the world at his disposal to keep whatever New Year's resolution you could think of. And he tried ... repeatedly. And he failed ... repeatedly.

Solomon was looking for more than just some weight loss or quitting cigarettes. He was looking for meaning, and he resolved all kinds of things in order to find it. Isn't that what we really want resolutions to bring us - more meaning, more satisfaction, more joy? But - even though Solomon had every resource available to him - he failed. His resolutions failed.

If the one who had the world's best resources for successfully keeping resolutions failed to find one ounce of meaning in those resolutions, I figure I need a better approach. Eventually, Solomon concluded the same thing.

I don't need to turn over a new leaf, I need new life. I don't need to do better at life, I need a better life. Rather than trying harder, Jesus offers us to replace worldly ways with godly ways. The more we abandon our hearts to Him, the more of this life He gives us. And it has meaning.

To me, New Year's resolutions are designed for us to try harder. Submitting to God is not about trying harder - it's about releasing yourself to the full control of the Holy Spirit more and more every day.