You Can Tell Me You're "Fine"

We all know the routine. It has become instinctive. We meet, then I say, "How are you?" and then you say "Fine." No matter what, even if your house just exploded and your cat ate your smartphone, things are "fine." Sometimes when we're feeling extra-cordial, we flip the script to the same effect.

This routine has birthed a secondary routine - now we knowingly fuss about the fact that we say "fine" when we don't mean it. We "solve" the problem by acknowledging it, talking about it, fussing about it to one another, but then the very next morning, "How are you?" ... "Fine." Then later, we knowingly fuss again, but then the very next day after that, we recite our routine again perfectly. (By now, we are assuming that everyone who says "fine" is lying, oddly enough.)

However, you can tell me you're "fine." Go right ahead. I won't bat an eye, I won't wink and assume you're not fine, and I won't fuss. If you want to tell me you're fine, please do.

You are in control of what you tell me about yourself. No amount of fussing about faux "fines" gives me the right to demand from you how you're really doing. My wink and nod that "fine" might be "awful" does not obligate you to tell me anything other than what you want me to know. Unless we are tight friends who owe each other unfiltered truth by mutual permission, you owe me nothing other than what you want me to know.

If you want me to think you're fine, no matter if you are or aren't, then tell me you're fine. I'll take it at face value because that's what you're telling me to do. You may not want me meddling into the sore spots of your life. You may not be ready yet to talk about something unpleasant. I may not be the right person to listen to you. This might not be the right time or place. You might not even be able to say, "I'm not fine, but let's talk about it later." (But, if you want to say that, then say that.)

I don't have to be the one who knows, who listens, who talks about it, or who's on the inside. I'm willing to be, but I don't have to be. How you're doing is not about me - it's about you. So, unless you're one of my very few tight friends who owe me bare honesty, you can tell me "fine" no matter what, and I will treat you as if everything is fine ... because that's what you're telling me to do. It might even be therapeutic if I treat you as if things are fine - I don't know, and I'm not expert enough to tell you otherwise.

If you say "fine" but you secretly want me to doubt you and dig, I probably won't. It's not fair to everyone else to assume that you're not telling me how you want me to treat you. Unless we're tight or unless I have sufficient probable cause, I won't dig. I'm simple that way - if you tell me not to dig, I usually put down my shovel.

For your sake, however, have at least two people in your life (other than your spouse) who never put down their shovels, and who you will tell the truth to, regardless. Have two or more tight friends that when they ask, "How are you?", you tell them the truth no matter what. It doesn't have to be me, and honestly, I can't be that person for the lot of you. For your health and so that you never swim the ocean alone, have those people in your life, and never, ever tell them "fine" unless it's true.

Your Christmas Gift

For Christmas, I promise to not give you a present instead of love. I can't give presents to everyone, but I won't give anyone a gift as a substitute for showing love. I won't try to buy anyone's appreciation by giving a gift wrapped with expectations. Every gift will be an expression of love.

For Christmas, I promise to not assess anyone by the gift they give me (or don't give me). What you give, how you give, to whom you give is your business. You owe me nothing. My kind of Christmas doesn't obligate you to anything whatsoever. Giving you the Gift of Obligation to give me something is no gift at all.

For Christmas, I promise to never say "Merry Christmas" without thinking about the birth of Christ. You don't have to believe what I believe, and I won't foist my beliefs on you. I won't constantly remind you what Christmas means to me. But I will be thinking about it ... I promise. I think it's a wonderful idea that God became man.

For Christmas, I promise to show you respect for whatever holidays you celebrate. That's the beauty of holidays. They are times of special remembrance for important events or values that are personally held by a group of people. Respect is one of the values Christmas brings to my mind, so that's what I want to give you. In fact, I'd like to learn more about your holidays, if you don't mind. I hope your holidays are filled with family, friends, and celebration.

For Christmas, I promise to not let my "bah, humbug" tendencies ruin your day. There's a lot about this time of year that I don't like, but there's so much more about this season that people do like that I promise to keep my inner Scrooge to remain inner.

For Christmas, I promise to not ask you what you got for Christmas. But I to promise to ask if you had a good Christmas (or holiday). By asking you what presents you got, I only reinforce the "getting" aspect. I won't even ask what you gave, because that becomes a backhanded way to do the same thing. What I do care about is if you had a good time with family and friends, or by having alone time. I do care if this time we take our focus off of the grind was meaningful, joyful, restorative, and healing. Did you laugh? Did you celebrate? Were there things to be thankful for? How did things go with that friend after the argument you got into over the summer? Did the grandparents get to see the grandkids? How's your dad's eyesight doing?

For Christmas, I promise to remember that this is a hard time for some. This might be the first Christmas since someone close passed away. Christmas may drudge up horrible memories. Christmas may end up being a lonely time. I get that. I've felt that a few Christmases. I wish I could give you the gift of something other, but what I can do is try to be aware if this ends up being less fun for you.

For Christmas, I promise to look forward to seeing you again. Maybe it'll just be a few days until you get back from Springfield (every state seems to have one). Maybe it will be months from now. Maybe years. But Christmas reminds me of the vast array of people we've met and how much we would love to see you again (including those I need to heal a hurt relationship with). We've moved enough to collect a pile of friends who we may never see again. I still want to, and Christmas makes me want to all the more.

Handling the Intersection

I haven't ever hurt myself running with scissors, so I assume I can just run faster with them and be OK. I haven't gotten fired yet for a blog post, so ... let's talk about the Muslim issue.

Of course, there is no singular "Muslim issue." We could talk about theology, we could talk about general immigration, we could talk about the Syrian refugees, we could talk about ISIS, or some other related issue. And whatever conclusions might be drawn about one of these aren't necessarily transferable to any of the others. It's like saying let's discuss "the Christian issue" or "the political issue" or "the baseball issue" - too many variables to reduce the topic down to one, digestible idea.

I have opinions on each of these and more, but it's not my goal here to explain my views or in any way tell you what you should conclude. My point here is to challenge you who are followers of Jesus on how you come to those conclusions.

I have seen Christians respond in such a broad spectrum of ways that it appears we're reading out of two different Bibles (or more). Not to critique any particular view, I've seen people who want to shut and lock the door, others who want people to knock and know the secret password before getting in, others who want to cautiously hold the door open, and still others who want to leave the door wide open. (The "door" refers to anything from immigration to theological discourse.)

I offer the following thoughts to consider in order to determine what you think about the various ways Muslims intersect your life.

A follower's primary citizenship is in heaven, not the U.S. As you sort through these issues, remember your primary citizenship. We should operate without wavering according to that Kingdom, and then according to the nation only where it doesn't conflict. How do the ways that are specific to the Kingdom of God determine what we should think, say, and do? What did Jesus teach about that Kingdom? 

There certainly is room for loyalty to one's nation, but at least we should be able to agree that Jesus taught us to seek the Kingdom before everything else. Not only ask yourself what are the attributes and ways of the Kingdom, but how do I seek the Kingdom - even pursue it - by how I think through these issues? How am I seeking the Kingdom first by trying to figure out what to think and do?

This also means that we can have two goals - the goal as a follower of Christ and the goal as a citizen of this country. Those two goals may not end up being the same thing! Believe it or not, it's OK to have dissonance here. In fact, conflating the two ideas prevents us from thinking through either one rightly. However, the goal as a follower must have priority over the goal as a citizen wherever they are different.

The Great Commission is our main mission. Jesus was very clear in His post-resurrection appearances that what He wants us to do as first priority is to make disciples from every nation for Him. It's also clear that His model for doing so is through loving relationships. How we decide our response to issues related to Muslims must be for the purpose of achieving our highest task - making disciples from all nations through relationships. What will best help us progress in that mission over the long haul? Over the short haul?

Would Jesus do what I'm doing, say what I'm saying? This is kind of the inverse of WWJD. If I step out of myself and listen to what I just said or watch what I just did, can I reasonably conclude that Jesus would have said or done that? That's what being a follower of someone means - following what they would think, say, and do. If I cannot imagine Jesus doing something (without twisting Scripture), then what possible justification can there be for me to do so?

What is the right amount of risk? There is risk, no matter what. There are innocuous risks, such as leaving one's comfort zone to befriend (or even just coexist with) a Muslim - doing so runs the risk of having some of your assumptions challenged. On the extreme end, there are life-and-death risks posed by the radicalized. Of course, risks of this level are found in many corners of our lives, not just the jihadist corner. 

There are risks from little to small. What place should that play? Is avoiding risk what a follower should do? Is throwing caution to the wind what a follower should do? Jesus and the apostles certainly risked their lives at times, and certainly avoided danger at other times. We are called to be willing to give our lives for our King and for the Gospel, but how does that rightly translate to these issues? Furthermore, what risk do I end up imposing on others? No matter what you decide, you are assigning some form of risk to someone else - either to a refugee or to a neighbor or to the stability of another nation or to some other group. For the follower, though, we cannot make personal safety an idol - that cannot be our non-negotiable factor.

Blow people's minds by being humble. This addresses more of our manner than the process we use to make up our minds. Engage in disagreements about these important, complex issues with kindness. It's not easy for anyone to know what to think, and engaging in ugly exchanges is rarely the Jesus way. You're in process, others are in process, and kindness fosters that process for everyone. Blow their minds! Once it turns ugly, people dig in their heels, and positions become unnecessarily fixed. Try listening to the other person's views, ask questions, refrain from telling them what they should think, and then lay out what you're thinking. Be humble enough to be able to learn from someone else. For issues so complex, it's OK to change your mind.

In case you weren't sure, you don't know everything there is to know about this subject. You don't have all knowledge and there are angles you have not considered, yet. Without omniscience, our only choice is to assume a posture of being able to learn and ... yikes ... change.

I have opinions on most of these issues, and as I discuss them with people (not always following my own advice), I have frequently faced worthy ideas that draw me in one direction or another. That's good! These issues are too important and too complex to firmly hold conclusions without room to adapt to new information. We don't have to have firm opinions.

What we can be solid about is determining now which methods we will use to seek out those conclusions. We can be firm about the "rules of engagement" we will use to think these things through, such as the suggestions I've made here. These methods don't force one conclusion or another, but do set the parameters and how those (flexible) conclusions can be reached. Perhaps there are other rubrics even more appropriate than these.

A "Christian answer" cannot be reliably achieved apart from "Christian ways" of thinking about the question.

Of Course Water is Wet

Dear Christian, just stop it. Please.

Stop expecting non-Christians to act like Christians. They're not, and so there's no sense in expecting them to. Christians are at times everything from flabbergasted to offended at how non-Christian a non-Christian is. That's like being surprised that water is wet. Worse, there are times when the Christian then responds negatively (and ironically, in an unchristian manner) with criticisms, insults, arguments, and judgments. Not every Christian and certainly not all the time, but far more than the absolute zero that it ought to be.

First and foremost, Christians aren't always better behaved. All of us know non-Christians with a more pleasant demeanor, a more consistent lifestyle, and more respectable ethics than some Christians. So, expecting a non-Christian to act like a Christian is not always desirable. People can wave a Christian banner to promote very unchristian attitudes and ways.

Beyond that, it makes no sense at all to expect a non-Christian to talk like a Christian. Many Christians try to "tame the tongue" as Scripture teaches, and thereby have a higher standard than the common base. But what kind of logic concludes we should hold someone who doesn't embrace Scripture up to a Scriptural standard? Furthermore, Christians can end up having their own lingo that eventually becomes unintelligible to someone outside the tribe. Rather than expect others to pick up our lingo, we are the ones that need to make sure we're speaking their language. Even demanding a clerk wish you a "Merry Christmas" is demanding them to speak like your tribe does.

Neither should we expect non-Christians to have Christians thoughts and values. There's no need to claim here that these are in any way superior, or even exclusive - it is enough to say that they are characteristic. There are thoughts and values that are particularly consonant with Christianity. Expecting non-Christians to have them and share them is unreasonable. We quite often do share thoughts and values with non-Christians, but becoming critical of someone for not having them oddly enough shows a kind of inferior value!

Likewise, we cannot expect Christian actions from non-Christians. This includes lifestyles, sexuality, activities, entertainment, child-rearing, marriage, and so on. Again, Christians aren't always the best examples of these, but why are we flabbergasted or offended when a non-Christian acts like he's not a Christian? We should only be offended when a Christian acts like he's not a Christian. Of course non-Christians act like non-Christians! (Which, by the way, is not always bad!)

Christian theology says that those who are "in Christ" have the Holy Spirit at work in them, transforming them over the rest of their lives. That means that we're being made better than we each used to be, but it doesn't mean we're necessarily better than anyone else. It also means that for those who do not have the Holy Spirit at work in them, we have no basis to expect them to live as if they did.

The only way to have that kind of expectation is to have the wrong Gospel. The wrong Gospel says that you need to clean up your life and live up to a certain standard in order to be acceptable to God (and His followers). Wrong! But it's what we can communicate to non-Christians when we expect them to live up to some Christian ideal or standard. We end up preaching the wrong Gospel (and adding in judgmentalism for good measure). If you boil down criticisms of Christians to their core, we're quite often criticized for either expecting those outside the tribe to act like those inside the tribe or for acting like we're not inside the tribe, either.

The true Gospel is that because of Christ, God accepts us in our most non-Christian states. Period. Yes, He has a certain standard for His followers for speaking, thinking, valuing, and living, but He's the one who accepts us before we do, and then He's the one who transforms us to become more like His ideals.

So, dear Christian, just stop. Stop preaching the wrong Gospel by inadvertently telling people they need to make themselves good enough for you. That's not even close to the Gospel.

Proverbial Media

What if we restricted ourselves to posting on social media according to the wisdom laid out in the Book of Proverbs?

The Book of Proverbs is a collection of pithy sayings of general wisdom, most of which is agreeable to even people who think little of a life of faith. Not intended to be a strict set of do's and don'ts, it promotes general principles of wisdom that shape a life of wisdom.

Given that so much of what is posted online is unwise, including things you post and things that I post, what if we ran posts through the grid of Proverbs before hitting "Update"?

1:10 My child, if sinners try to entice you,
do not consent!

Clickbait ("you won't believe what happens next...") has the sole purpose of generating revenue for advertisers. "What kind of farm animal are you" quizzes collect your personal information. And of course, there's the enticement of X-rated sites, which actually help feed the human trafficking industry!

3:3 Do not let truth and mercy leave you;

bind them around your neck,

write them on the tablet of your heart.

Don't toss truth or mercy when you post, respond, or debate. Rather, write them on your tablet. ;-) 

3:31 Do not envy a violent man,

and do not choose to imitate any of his ways;

Social media can be some of the most violent spaces you'll inhabit in a given day, because people can be anonymous or miles away when they post.

5:15 Drink water from your own cistern

and running water from your own well.

The context of this proverb is marital fidelity. The imagery is plain enough. Emotional affairs over the Internet are still forms of drinking from another's cistern.

6:6 Go to the ant, you sluggard;

observe its ways and be wise!

7 It has no commander,

overseer, or ruler,

8 yet it prepares its food in the summer;

it gathers at the harvest what it will eat.

Log off Facebook and go to the grocery store!

9:7 Whoever corrects a mocker is asking for insult;

whoever reproves a wicked person receives abuse.

8 Do not reprove a mocker or he will hate you;

reprove a wise person and he will love you.

9 Give instruction to a wise person, and he will become wiser still;

teach a righteous person and he will add to his learning.

How many fruitless arguments have you gotten into? Why were they fruitless? In part, because the deck is stacked against Internet debates ever being fruitful - usually, one or both of the participants is a mocker, not a true debater. Those rare times when the people are wise and actually open to being instructed, however, can be quite fruitful for all.

10:12 Hatred stirs up dissension,

but love covers all transgressions.

What's your attitude? Because your words will come from your attitude. Will your attitude stir up dissension or cover someone's else's imperfections?

10:19 When words abound, transgression is inevitable,

but the one who restrains his words is wise.

More is not necessarily better. You don't have to have the last word!

11:2 When pride comes, then comes disgrace,

but with humility comes wisdom.

People who are generally humble can become annoyingly arrogant online.

12:15 The way of a fool is right in his own opinion,

but the one who listens to advice is wise.

Of course you think what you said is right. Otherwise you wouldn't have said it. You are right ... in your own opinion.

12:16 A fool’s annoyance is known at once,

but the prudent overlooks an insult.

You really don't have to respond to every verbal attack. No ... really ... you don't have to.

13:17 An unreliable messenger falls into trouble,

but a faithful envoy brings healing.

Ummm ... did you check the truth of that before you reposted? I don't care how much you agree with it ... if it's not true, then you're agreeing with a lie! And now you're spreading a rumor.

14:15 A naive person believes everything,

but the shrewd person discerns his steps.

"I saw it on the Internet, so it must be true." (Especially if it says what I already want to believe.)

14:17 A person who has a quick temper does foolish things,

Yup.

14:29 The one who is slow to anger has great understanding,

but the one who has a quick temper exalts folly.

Yup, yup.

15:1 A gentle response turns away anger,

but a harsh word stirs up wrath.

I have seen this time and time again ... find the common ground, find the positive in the other person's statement, compliment their good attitude even if you don't agree with that they said, and you'll be amazed at how much better the conversation goes.

15:4 Speech that heals is like a life-giving tree,

but a perverse tongue breaks the spirit.

Sticks and stones and words break my bones and my spirit. And yours.

15:32 The one who refuses correction despises himself,

but whoever hears reproof acquires understanding.

Wow - refusing correction is a form of despising yourself! Let that sink in (unless you despise yourself).

16:28 A perverse person spreads dissension,

and a gossip separates the closest friends.

What damage are you doing to someone else's relationships by what you say?

16:32 Better to be slow to anger than to be a mighty warrior,

and one who controls his temper is better than one who captures a city.

Wanna be a hero?

17:14 Starting a quarrel is like letting out water;

stop it before strife breaks out!

I have opened that plug in the water tank way too many times. You can't ever put that water back in through the spigot.

18:1 One who has isolated himself seeks his own desires;

he rejects all sound judgment.

This should be taped to every guy's computer screen. And perhaps all the gals', too.

18:13 The one who gives an answer before he listens -

that is his folly and his shame.

Of course, you've never done this, right?

18:21 Death and life are in the power of the tongue,

and those who love its use will eat its fruit.

Death and life. You have the power to bring both.

I could go on with the rest of the chapters, but I'm already in danger of violating 10:19.

Tyranny in Your Head

Oppression changes your brain. According to neuroscience research (see resources below for two examples), forms of oppression can physically alter the brain. Some would say that it "rewires" the brain. Our brains respond to repeated or sustained forms of oppression in order to adapt in ways that cause permanent changes. Recall that I have written in recent past about a similar phenomenon, that trauma also can cause changes in the brain that are detectable by brain scans.

The implications spur off into thousands of directions, from counseling to social justice to compassion to ministry. This is relatively new research, and I'm sure we'll be hearing much more about it. I am by no means qualified to speak authoritatively on this topic, but we do have a few people in our church who are currently learning quite a lot about it in a counseling context.

Where I'm intrigued is in the theology of fallenness. In the Fall of Man, humankind was altered. But it would be inadequate to focus on just one form of fallenness. We didn't just fall morally. We didn't just die spiritually. We didn't just lose a close relationship with God. All of this is true, but we also fell physically, including our brains. In short, we got "drain bamage." Our brains were no longer pristine, firing on all cylinders, capable of perfectly healthy decisions. "Adam? That boy ain't right in the head."

Furthermore, given that trauma and oppression further alter the brain away from health, we can cause even further physiological damage to one another's brains. By inflicting trauma, we can change another's brain. By oppressing others, we can change their brains. This means that even by lying to other people about who they are and what they are worth, we can cause negative change in their brains. If we continually tell a girl she's not valuable unless she's thin and pretty, if we continually tell the materially poor that they're just lazy, if we continually tell people God hates them (or treat them as if He did), if we continually tell people they need to behave better in order for God to accept them, we effectively kill part of their brains.

When our brains are damaged, it is harder for us to relate, succeed, behave, care for others, decide, and work. Which, in turn, only invites more lies about our worth, creating a vicious vortex of deteriorating self-identity. You can lie someone into the exact horrible thing you told him he was. This brings new depth to Jesus' words when He said that calling your brother a "fool" is like murder (Matt 5:21-26).

Salvation and restoration, then, would first be the grace to cover all the damage that has been done to us by being fallen. We believe Jesus offers exactly this covering with His own perfection. Second would be for us to fight oppression wherever we see it, which includes policing ourselves to never oppress people with our words - especially children, whose brains are developing rapidly. Denigration and performance-based acceptance are lies that kill. Third would be to reverse the damage by speaking restorative truth to others, especially about their worth in God's eyes. Fourth would be something only God can do - replace these broken, fallen, damaged bodies (including brains) with fully restored bodies. We believe this is the "blessed hope" (Titus 2:13).

Within the church, ministry must never assume that people who aren't responding to "plain truth" are stupid, lazy, or hopelessly rebellious. There is a part of everyone that cannot respond rightly to truth - we are fallen. As "ministers of reconciliation" (2 Cor 5:18), our task is to labor toward restoration. This means understanding the crippling effect that oppression and lies have on us physically. Perhaps you've seen commercials lately addressing "neuroplasticity," which employs certain mental and physical exercises that can rewire the brain toward a healthier state. Without understanding the patient process restoration requires, including restoration of a poorly wired brain, we will limit ourselves in what we hope to accomplish.

For those who know more about this than I do, I invite comments, additions, and corrections. My brain needs it.

Resources:
Allen E. Ivey and Carlos P. Zalaquett, "Neuroscience and Counseling: Central Issue for Social Justice Leaders," Journal for Social Action in Counseling and Psychology, Volume 3, Number 1, Spring 2011.

Beth Barila, Integrating Mindfulness Into Anti-Oppression Pedagogy, 2015.

My Greatest Ignorances

I don't know what it's like to be an African American. I rarely have to "read" the room when I enter, I usually don't have to wonder whether someone is responding to me based on who I am or based on my skin color. I've never had some people telling me I'm "too black" and others telling me that I'm "not black enough." Even when I've been the minority in our neighborhood in LA and in Kenya, I so infrequently fall victim to racism that I can't say that I've had to endure it. So even though I can have an opinion about racism, it's only from theory, not from experience. Therefore, let me measure my words about racism humbly.

I don't know what it's like to be a Syrian refugee. I do know what it's like to see homelessness and I do know what it's like to worry about the worst that could happen. But I don't know what it's like to go through what they are going through. And to be fair, when we're talking about that many people, we cannot say anything that would be true of every single one of them. Therefore, let me exceed my fear with a greater measure of compassion.

I don't know what's it's like to have been deeply wounded by a church or a religious leader. And so I don't have any way to understand someone's anger and bitterness toward the church. I can't tell you much about what you "ought" to do next in your life until I know more about the story of your life. I can't expect you to understand my church context if your church context is one of wounding and mistrust. Therefore, let me listen and understand your pain rather than tell you what you ought to feel.

I don't know what it's like to be financially poor. Even when I was in college living on mac and cheese with hot dogs, I wasn't poor. I had parents who would catch me if I needed it. I had a job good enough to keep the lights on, so I never got in that downward cycle of paying even more just to get the lights turned back on. I have never worried if I would have enough groceries. I never had to ask "Gas or bread?" I have never known what material poverty does to one's self-identity. Therefore, let me be more concerned about someone's self-identity than their bank balance.

I don't know what it's like to be financially rich. I've imagined it. Of course, my imagination is always optimistic. I don't know what it's like for others to feel like I'm obligated to them because I have plenty. Not really. I don't know the struggle of knowing when a nice car is too nice. Not really. I'm not constantly told I must be greedy and uncaring to have so much. I don't have people trying to build a "friendship" with me because they just want to get a large donation from me. And I don't know when giving too much actually hurts a church from all members being sacrificial givers as they ought. Therefore, again, let me be more concerned about someone's self-identity than their bank balance.

I don't know what it's like to be a representative, a senator, or a president. I don't know what it's like to make thousands unhappy by making decisions based on information that can't be made public. I've heard personal stories from a former representative who was pressured hard by his own party to compromise his personal convictions in order to gain political advantage, but I've never lived that. I have only watched this grown man reduced to tears. I really don't know what it's like to always make half of your audience mad no matter what. Therefore, let me refuse to spend more energy tearing leaders down than helping them do good things.

I don't know what it's like come from a single-parent household. It took me a long time to understand why other kids liked hanging out at our house. I thought it was me! But mostly, it was that our house was stable, peaceful, and predictable - steady and a bit mundane. I never had my lone parent necessarily absent just to pay the rent. I never had to lay my head on different pillows every few nights, or worse, never lay my head down on a pillow under the same roof as one of my parents. I never had to want a marriage completely different than my folks' had. Therefore, let me add a little of what's lacking for those who need some days that are just steady and a bit mundane.

I don't know what it's like to be divorced. Lots of people do, but I can't identify with it. I don't know what it's like to be released from an abusive relationship, and I don't know what it's like to have bad go to worse because reconciliation was unattainable. I don't know what it's like to divide time with children and struggle financially trying to pay for two households. I've never had most everything in my life defined by divorce. Therefore, let me be at least one thing in someone's life that isn't defined by divorce.

I don't know what it's like to be you. I never will. All the good, all the bad - I'll never know. And so, I'll never really know how my words, my actions, and even the looks on my face affect you. I won't ever know how your history will filter my intentions. There are times that I so very much want to tell you what to do and why, and sometimes, I even have the right answer. But I will invariably be astonished when you don't react as I would. Therefore, may I always help you be a better you and never expect you to be a better me.