If only I could finally, truly, completely learn the difference between control and influence. I know the difference well enough to describe it. But I'm pretty sure I haven't learned the difference.
Both control and influence are about bringing about desired outcomes, but are different paths to get there ... and for different motives. Control grabs the steering wheel, but soon realizes that real control comes only when you also make the pistons to move and the plugs to spark and the shaft to crank and the smoke to exhaust; influence pulls the reins to convince the horse to turn. Control demands; influence gives a convincing argument. Control seeks compliance; influence seeks concordance. Being controlled is enjoyed by the unstable; being influenced is enjoyed by the informed. Control must; influence ought. Control is about the controller; influence is about the influenced.
Think about your greatest frustrations, your greatest fears, and your greatest anxieties. How many of them are fueled by a sense of not being in control? How many of them are you trying to resolve through forms of control? We like control because we think that if we have it, we can virtually guarantee the outcomes we want. We think influence is too soft, too unpredictable, too likely to end in an outcome other than our preference. And yet, we suffer much less anxiety over a lack of influence than over a lack of control.
We define success by the outcomes (with good reason), and so we control. We less frequently define success by whether or not another person is better off because we influenced them. In fact, we sometimes never get to see the outcome of influence, but control gives direct and immediate feedback, so that's what we pick.
We love sports (playing and watching) because when our team wins, we feel more in control. I was emotionally crestfallen when the Royals lost three 1-run games last week at a critical time of the season - the season is spinning out of control! We have the same reaction with games and contests - we don't raise our hands in victory because of influence, but that we have enough control over the game or the whole season. Losing stinks because it is lack of control over one's destiny.
We often try to control things at work because we think that's how to succeed. Few of us see influence as the measure of success at work. And our performance reviews (and raises) are tied more to how well we controlled things over the last year, not influenced them.
It becomes a true sickness when we try to control people rather than influence them. We manipulate, dictate, yell at, and refuse to listen to when we are trying to control another person. But we do it because we so want particular outcomes (often very good ones). Oh, that I would learn to influence well, and then let go. Oh, that I would count that as a successful encounter with another person.
When we try to control God, we are blatant and blind fools. We refuse to cooperate until He does what we want. We try to use the right phrases in order to make Him respond in just the right way. I want a certain outcome, and He's got the power to make it happen, so how can I make Him come through for me? In other words, how can I be in control even of God?
The amazing thing is that God invites us to influence Him. I don't fully understand how a completely sovereign God can be influenced, but His invitations to do so are plentiful, and the respected faithful ones of history sure seemed to think that the invitations are genuine. Not manipulate in a particularly clever way, but influence - have a voice in the matter, be listened to, contribute to the outcome, or even be a reason for God to do something different than He would have otherwise. He allows that. He invites that.
When I learn the difference between these two, I'm sure I'll be a happier, more influential man.
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