You Can Tell Me You're "Fine"

We all know the routine. It has become instinctive. We meet, then I say, "How are you?" and then you say "Fine." No matter what, even if your house just exploded and your cat ate your smartphone, things are "fine." Sometimes when we're feeling extra-cordial, we flip the script to the same effect.

This routine has birthed a secondary routine - now we knowingly fuss about the fact that we say "fine" when we don't mean it. We "solve" the problem by acknowledging it, talking about it, fussing about it to one another, but then the very next morning, "How are you?" ... "Fine." Then later, we knowingly fuss again, but then the very next day after that, we recite our routine again perfectly. (By now, we are assuming that everyone who says "fine" is lying, oddly enough.)

However, you can tell me you're "fine." Go right ahead. I won't bat an eye, I won't wink and assume you're not fine, and I won't fuss. If you want to tell me you're fine, please do.

You are in control of what you tell me about yourself. No amount of fussing about faux "fines" gives me the right to demand from you how you're really doing. My wink and nod that "fine" might be "awful" does not obligate you to tell me anything other than what you want me to know. Unless we are tight friends who owe each other unfiltered truth by mutual permission, you owe me nothing other than what you want me to know.

If you want me to think you're fine, no matter if you are or aren't, then tell me you're fine. I'll take it at face value because that's what you're telling me to do. You may not want me meddling into the sore spots of your life. You may not be ready yet to talk about something unpleasant. I may not be the right person to listen to you. This might not be the right time or place. You might not even be able to say, "I'm not fine, but let's talk about it later." (But, if you want to say that, then say that.)

I don't have to be the one who knows, who listens, who talks about it, or who's on the inside. I'm willing to be, but I don't have to be. How you're doing is not about me - it's about you. So, unless you're one of my very few tight friends who owe me bare honesty, you can tell me "fine" no matter what, and I will treat you as if everything is fine ... because that's what you're telling me to do. It might even be therapeutic if I treat you as if things are fine - I don't know, and I'm not expert enough to tell you otherwise.

If you say "fine" but you secretly want me to doubt you and dig, I probably won't. It's not fair to everyone else to assume that you're not telling me how you want me to treat you. Unless we're tight or unless I have sufficient probable cause, I won't dig. I'm simple that way - if you tell me not to dig, I usually put down my shovel.

For your sake, however, have at least two people in your life (other than your spouse) who never put down their shovels, and who you will tell the truth to, regardless. Have two or more tight friends that when they ask, "How are you?", you tell them the truth no matter what. It doesn't have to be me, and honestly, I can't be that person for the lot of you. For your health and so that you never swim the ocean alone, have those people in your life, and never, ever tell them "fine" unless it's true.

Your Christmas Gift

For Christmas, I promise to not give you a present instead of love. I can't give presents to everyone, but I won't give anyone a gift as a substitute for showing love. I won't try to buy anyone's appreciation by giving a gift wrapped with expectations. Every gift will be an expression of love.

For Christmas, I promise to not assess anyone by the gift they give me (or don't give me). What you give, how you give, to whom you give is your business. You owe me nothing. My kind of Christmas doesn't obligate you to anything whatsoever. Giving you the Gift of Obligation to give me something is no gift at all.

For Christmas, I promise to never say "Merry Christmas" without thinking about the birth of Christ. You don't have to believe what I believe, and I won't foist my beliefs on you. I won't constantly remind you what Christmas means to me. But I will be thinking about it ... I promise. I think it's a wonderful idea that God became man.

For Christmas, I promise to show you respect for whatever holidays you celebrate. That's the beauty of holidays. They are times of special remembrance for important events or values that are personally held by a group of people. Respect is one of the values Christmas brings to my mind, so that's what I want to give you. In fact, I'd like to learn more about your holidays, if you don't mind. I hope your holidays are filled with family, friends, and celebration.

For Christmas, I promise to not let my "bah, humbug" tendencies ruin your day. There's a lot about this time of year that I don't like, but there's so much more about this season that people do like that I promise to keep my inner Scrooge to remain inner.

For Christmas, I promise to not ask you what you got for Christmas. But I to promise to ask if you had a good Christmas (or holiday). By asking you what presents you got, I only reinforce the "getting" aspect. I won't even ask what you gave, because that becomes a backhanded way to do the same thing. What I do care about is if you had a good time with family and friends, or by having alone time. I do care if this time we take our focus off of the grind was meaningful, joyful, restorative, and healing. Did you laugh? Did you celebrate? Were there things to be thankful for? How did things go with that friend after the argument you got into over the summer? Did the grandparents get to see the grandkids? How's your dad's eyesight doing?

For Christmas, I promise to remember that this is a hard time for some. This might be the first Christmas since someone close passed away. Christmas may drudge up horrible memories. Christmas may end up being a lonely time. I get that. I've felt that a few Christmases. I wish I could give you the gift of something other, but what I can do is try to be aware if this ends up being less fun for you.

For Christmas, I promise to look forward to seeing you again. Maybe it'll just be a few days until you get back from Springfield (every state seems to have one). Maybe it will be months from now. Maybe years. But Christmas reminds me of the vast array of people we've met and how much we would love to see you again (including those I need to heal a hurt relationship with). We've moved enough to collect a pile of friends who we may never see again. I still want to, and Christmas makes me want to all the more.

Handling the Intersection

I haven't ever hurt myself running with scissors, so I assume I can just run faster with them and be OK. I haven't gotten fired yet for a blog post, so ... let's talk about the Muslim issue.

Of course, there is no singular "Muslim issue." We could talk about theology, we could talk about general immigration, we could talk about the Syrian refugees, we could talk about ISIS, or some other related issue. And whatever conclusions might be drawn about one of these aren't necessarily transferable to any of the others. It's like saying let's discuss "the Christian issue" or "the political issue" or "the baseball issue" - too many variables to reduce the topic down to one, digestible idea.

I have opinions on each of these and more, but it's not my goal here to explain my views or in any way tell you what you should conclude. My point here is to challenge you who are followers of Jesus on how you come to those conclusions.

I have seen Christians respond in such a broad spectrum of ways that it appears we're reading out of two different Bibles (or more). Not to critique any particular view, I've seen people who want to shut and lock the door, others who want people to knock and know the secret password before getting in, others who want to cautiously hold the door open, and still others who want to leave the door wide open. (The "door" refers to anything from immigration to theological discourse.)

I offer the following thoughts to consider in order to determine what you think about the various ways Muslims intersect your life.

A follower's primary citizenship is in heaven, not the U.S. As you sort through these issues, remember your primary citizenship. We should operate without wavering according to that Kingdom, and then according to the nation only where it doesn't conflict. How do the ways that are specific to the Kingdom of God determine what we should think, say, and do? What did Jesus teach about that Kingdom? 

There certainly is room for loyalty to one's nation, but at least we should be able to agree that Jesus taught us to seek the Kingdom before everything else. Not only ask yourself what are the attributes and ways of the Kingdom, but how do I seek the Kingdom - even pursue it - by how I think through these issues? How am I seeking the Kingdom first by trying to figure out what to think and do?

This also means that we can have two goals - the goal as a follower of Christ and the goal as a citizen of this country. Those two goals may not end up being the same thing! Believe it or not, it's OK to have dissonance here. In fact, conflating the two ideas prevents us from thinking through either one rightly. However, the goal as a follower must have priority over the goal as a citizen wherever they are different.

The Great Commission is our main mission. Jesus was very clear in His post-resurrection appearances that what He wants us to do as first priority is to make disciples from every nation for Him. It's also clear that His model for doing so is through loving relationships. How we decide our response to issues related to Muslims must be for the purpose of achieving our highest task - making disciples from all nations through relationships. What will best help us progress in that mission over the long haul? Over the short haul?

Would Jesus do what I'm doing, say what I'm saying? This is kind of the inverse of WWJD. If I step out of myself and listen to what I just said or watch what I just did, can I reasonably conclude that Jesus would have said or done that? That's what being a follower of someone means - following what they would think, say, and do. If I cannot imagine Jesus doing something (without twisting Scripture), then what possible justification can there be for me to do so?

What is the right amount of risk? There is risk, no matter what. There are innocuous risks, such as leaving one's comfort zone to befriend (or even just coexist with) a Muslim - doing so runs the risk of having some of your assumptions challenged. On the extreme end, there are life-and-death risks posed by the radicalized. Of course, risks of this level are found in many corners of our lives, not just the jihadist corner. 

There are risks from little to small. What place should that play? Is avoiding risk what a follower should do? Is throwing caution to the wind what a follower should do? Jesus and the apostles certainly risked their lives at times, and certainly avoided danger at other times. We are called to be willing to give our lives for our King and for the Gospel, but how does that rightly translate to these issues? Furthermore, what risk do I end up imposing on others? No matter what you decide, you are assigning some form of risk to someone else - either to a refugee or to a neighbor or to the stability of another nation or to some other group. For the follower, though, we cannot make personal safety an idol - that cannot be our non-negotiable factor.

Blow people's minds by being humble. This addresses more of our manner than the process we use to make up our minds. Engage in disagreements about these important, complex issues with kindness. It's not easy for anyone to know what to think, and engaging in ugly exchanges is rarely the Jesus way. You're in process, others are in process, and kindness fosters that process for everyone. Blow their minds! Once it turns ugly, people dig in their heels, and positions become unnecessarily fixed. Try listening to the other person's views, ask questions, refrain from telling them what they should think, and then lay out what you're thinking. Be humble enough to be able to learn from someone else. For issues so complex, it's OK to change your mind.

In case you weren't sure, you don't know everything there is to know about this subject. You don't have all knowledge and there are angles you have not considered, yet. Without omniscience, our only choice is to assume a posture of being able to learn and ... yikes ... change.

I have opinions on most of these issues, and as I discuss them with people (not always following my own advice), I have frequently faced worthy ideas that draw me in one direction or another. That's good! These issues are too important and too complex to firmly hold conclusions without room to adapt to new information. We don't have to have firm opinions.

What we can be solid about is determining now which methods we will use to seek out those conclusions. We can be firm about the "rules of engagement" we will use to think these things through, such as the suggestions I've made here. These methods don't force one conclusion or another, but do set the parameters and how those (flexible) conclusions can be reached. Perhaps there are other rubrics even more appropriate than these.

A "Christian answer" cannot be reliably achieved apart from "Christian ways" of thinking about the question.

Of Course Water is Wet

Dear Christian, just stop it. Please.

Stop expecting non-Christians to act like Christians. They're not, and so there's no sense in expecting them to. Christians are at times everything from flabbergasted to offended at how non-Christian a non-Christian is. That's like being surprised that water is wet. Worse, there are times when the Christian then responds negatively (and ironically, in an unchristian manner) with criticisms, insults, arguments, and judgments. Not every Christian and certainly not all the time, but far more than the absolute zero that it ought to be.

First and foremost, Christians aren't always better behaved. All of us know non-Christians with a more pleasant demeanor, a more consistent lifestyle, and more respectable ethics than some Christians. So, expecting a non-Christian to act like a Christian is not always desirable. People can wave a Christian banner to promote very unchristian attitudes and ways.

Beyond that, it makes no sense at all to expect a non-Christian to talk like a Christian. Many Christians try to "tame the tongue" as Scripture teaches, and thereby have a higher standard than the common base. But what kind of logic concludes we should hold someone who doesn't embrace Scripture up to a Scriptural standard? Furthermore, Christians can end up having their own lingo that eventually becomes unintelligible to someone outside the tribe. Rather than expect others to pick up our lingo, we are the ones that need to make sure we're speaking their language. Even demanding a clerk wish you a "Merry Christmas" is demanding them to speak like your tribe does.

Neither should we expect non-Christians to have Christians thoughts and values. There's no need to claim here that these are in any way superior, or even exclusive - it is enough to say that they are characteristic. There are thoughts and values that are particularly consonant with Christianity. Expecting non-Christians to have them and share them is unreasonable. We quite often do share thoughts and values with non-Christians, but becoming critical of someone for not having them oddly enough shows a kind of inferior value!

Likewise, we cannot expect Christian actions from non-Christians. This includes lifestyles, sexuality, activities, entertainment, child-rearing, marriage, and so on. Again, Christians aren't always the best examples of these, but why are we flabbergasted or offended when a non-Christian acts like he's not a Christian? We should only be offended when a Christian acts like he's not a Christian. Of course non-Christians act like non-Christians! (Which, by the way, is not always bad!)

Christian theology says that those who are "in Christ" have the Holy Spirit at work in them, transforming them over the rest of their lives. That means that we're being made better than we each used to be, but it doesn't mean we're necessarily better than anyone else. It also means that for those who do not have the Holy Spirit at work in them, we have no basis to expect them to live as if they did.

The only way to have that kind of expectation is to have the wrong Gospel. The wrong Gospel says that you need to clean up your life and live up to a certain standard in order to be acceptable to God (and His followers). Wrong! But it's what we can communicate to non-Christians when we expect them to live up to some Christian ideal or standard. We end up preaching the wrong Gospel (and adding in judgmentalism for good measure). If you boil down criticisms of Christians to their core, we're quite often criticized for either expecting those outside the tribe to act like those inside the tribe or for acting like we're not inside the tribe, either.

The true Gospel is that because of Christ, God accepts us in our most non-Christian states. Period. Yes, He has a certain standard for His followers for speaking, thinking, valuing, and living, but He's the one who accepts us before we do, and then He's the one who transforms us to become more like His ideals.

So, dear Christian, just stop. Stop preaching the wrong Gospel by inadvertently telling people they need to make themselves good enough for you. That's not even close to the Gospel.