Are you broken?

Are you broken?

Sallie has a relative who she cares about a great deal. She's known this relative since she was a little girl, and saw her on holidays, birthdays, and even just casual family gatherings. She loves her relative, but her relative will, on rare occasion, bark at Sallie some of the harshest, most hateful things - especially when Sallie says anything about Jesus or the church. At times, Sallie lashes back - only to deeply regret it. Now, before every holiday, Sallie begins to have gut-knotting anxiety about talking with her relative. In this relationship, Sallie is broken. Are you broken?

Sam has been told all his life two contradictory things: "You're going a good job!" and "You're not doing a good enough job!" Compliments from his parents were always followed by a comment about what mistakes were made. Try as he might, he could never get a perfect score at school - and when tests came, he would tense up and get a full letter grade worse than his own average. At work, he can't seem to finish a full project without some major mistake. Now, when Sam hears both "You're doing a good job" and "You're not doing a good enough job," he's the one saying it. In his self-image, Sam is broken. Are you broken?

David's got a sin habit that he thinks no one else knows about. At least, that's what he keeps telling himself. He's tried to stop - and has. Many times. For about a week. His record is just over two months. And then failure again and again. He's a Christian, and criticizes himself that a Christian shouldn't feel this powerless against sin. He's read everything, prayed constantly, and tried to change the situation. But there he is - a repeat offender. In righteousness, David is broken. Are you broken?

Mary has had to make decisions beyond her years ever since her father died when she was 6. Mom wasn't really much parental help after that - she had her own problems, some in bottle form. But Mary did a good job looking out for herself. She got herself ready for school every day, caught the bus, worked a part-time job, got a few scholarships to work her way through community college, then a good job, and even a Master's degree. She's in middle management at a bank, running her own life, taking care of her own house, relying on herself for her own relationships. But the relationships usually end up in disaster, her job is unfulfilling and her efforts often go unnoticed. Her house has lost so much value that she can't afford to move, but the prices in the neighborhood keep dropping. Mom is bitter at her, and she's just flat out tired of the rat race. In running her own life, Mary is broken. Are you broken?

Jesus says in Matthew 11: "Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light."

Jesus specializes in broken people. In fact, He doesn't work with anyone else. If you're broken, come to Him. And let someone who knows Him know that you're broken. They are broken, too.

Mini-megalomaniac-based Acceptance

Many of us have heard of the phrase "performance-based acceptance." Set in contrast to "unconditional acceptance," performance-based acceptance is the requirement that someone perform to a certain standard before you are willing to accept him or her. For example, a dad who doesn't truly accept his daughter unless she gets all A's on her report card, or a woman who doesn't accept a another as a friend unless she wears a certain grade of clothing. Certainly, there are more subtle (and more destructive) forms than these rather simplistic examples - such as a husband who won't love a woman unless she compares well to some impossible, airbrushed image.

Most of us know what it's like to be a victim of this. Sometimes, we're guilty of it. But there is a form of performance-based acceptance that I find even more poisonous. To coin a phrase, I'm calling it "mini-megalomaniac-based acceptance." A megalomaniac is a severe psychological disorder where someone has delusions of divinity in various forms. What I mean about "mini-megalomaniac-based acceptance" is a refusal by Person A to accept Person B unless Person B thinks like Person A does. More than just expecting the person to meet a standard of behavior or performance, it is more narrow, and more like a megalomaniac. My way of thinking is divinely right, and all who think differently are less acceptable.

We see it in our toxic political environment. Some people cannot be friends with others who think differently about politics. Some can't even have a civil discussion. It's a severe form of performance-based acceptance: you must think like the mini-megalomaniac Me before I will accept you.

We see it in marriages. A wife thinks about life in a different way than the husband, and he can't see how she could possibly think that way. He begins to accept her less and less, until he just doesn't accept her. All because she dared think unlike how he thinks. He can't see how another way of thinking is valid (or acceptable), and his opinion of her diminishes (less accepting). He creates an impossible standard, because we are wired to think in certain ways, and that rarely ever changes for anyone.

Imagine if God required us to think like He does before He's willing to accept us. Given that we can't think like He does, we immediately see the impossibility. And yet, we can apply the same impossible standard to others.

Grace is the reality that while we were still rebellious sinners against God, Christ died for us out of God's love for us (Rom 5:8). He accepts us - not in the since that He just waved His hand and we can all enter into heaven, but that He does not require us to perform or to think like He does before He's willing to love us completely and offer us salvation. Not even God in His true divinity displays any hint of megalomaniac-based acceptance.

Others think differently than you do. Does that disqualify them from your love? It doesn't disqualify us from His love. That is grace.

Retreating

This weekend is the annual Men's Retreat at Tall Oaks Conference Center. Our very special guest speaker is Pastor Bill Ross, who served as our interim pastor for almost two years (and serves as a personal mentor to me).

Years ago at a different church, my leaders and I instituted annual men's retreats (which they had not had for many years). We camped out, cooked on Coleman stoves, and had a great time discussing matters of faith and ministry. But it was at that retreat that I was able to encapsulate the value of men's retreats in just one sentence. It wasn't the material we studied. It wasn't that we had time away from the hustle and bustle. It wasn't the food (although the "Low Country Boil" and dutch oven Georgia peach cobbler were always a big hit). It was what one of the younger men said.

I asked him how he liked the retreat, and he said it was great! So, I asked him why (half-anticipating an answer that would boost my terrible ego). Rather, what he said was, "I didn't know the elders laughed." That was the most important takeaway for him. Of course, it was more than just learning the fact - it was getting to know the elders on a personal level.

I spent a lot of time with the elders, of course, and knew readily that they laughed a lot. But this very active member of the church did not. It was always business - church business - with the elders. It was never just about life and fun and joking around. All this man knew of the elders is that they were men who were serious about church business. At the retreat, he learned who they were as regular guys. That's the great value of men's retreats.

Not just that people get to know the elders in particular, but that they get to know each other outside of church business - just getting to know each other as men. That particular church, as well as Grace and many others, had lots of good fellowship ... in pockets, but not necessarily across the board. The men's retreat is about the best chance throughout the year to get to know the men of the church, especially those you don't get to spend much time with otherwise.

I'm looking forward to Bill's talks - we will learn a lot. I'm looking forward to the times of prayer, the activities, and peeling away from the hustle and bustle. But mainly, I'm looking forward to finding out each guy's individual laugh.